List of questions:
Frequently Asked Questions (also called by the people in the Internets a F. A. Q. both because it is a acronym but also because faqs is a homophone for "facts" as in proven things not falsehoods (homophone means that 2 different words sound alike))
Who are you?
I am AlGore. I am a professional manbearpig hunter with years of experience and training.
Are you really Al Gore?
Yes. Why do you question the very, very scientific proof that I exist?!? I type, therefore, I am. Everyone knows that everything you read on the internets is true.
Are you serious?
I am super super serial! Why won't you people listen to me! I am making my super-super-serial face and you people are still not doing what I say!!!!!!!!!
Is this 'manbearpig' thing dangerous?
Yes! manbearpig is the most dangerous animal to exist ever! If a star were to be in the process of colliding with the earth then manbearpig would totally be more dangerous. Serial.
What can I do about manbearpig?
Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! manbearpig is a problem that can only be solved by AlGore and/or intense government regulation and intervention. Or both. I prefer both.
What is the government doing about manbearpig?
Although, I can not, currently, talk about it directly I believe that somewhere there is proof that the current government has been infiltrated by manbearpig. I have yet to find that proof which means they must be hiding it well. However, a correspondent has sent this photograph which seems genuine and it seems to bear my theory out.
What is Tipper doing to help?
Tipper sits alone in our modest home surrounded by the wait staff, kitchen staff, and housekeeping staff reading Rock AND Roll lyrics out loud. She then asks the staff or other unimportant people if the lyrics are inoffensive, offensive or if they are things she should say in bed to me. She then says those things in bed to make me excited. By excited, I mean so I will be able to perform in bed in the man-and-woman-who-are-married way. Occasionally, when she thinks about Frank Zappa, she cries. She cries alot.
I've never seen or even heard of manbearpig before now, can I hold off taking action until, you know, you actually have some hard evidence?
Your life is meaningless with the threat of manbearpig looming over you, as is your children and your grandchildren. You must do exactly what I say or else everyone on earth will die. In fact, people are already dying. Thousands die every day and everyone knows that manbearpig is responsible!
What if a manbearpig tries to mate with me?
First, lie perfectly still. Second, make chicken noises to make it hungry so it will go in search of food. DO NOT make the sounds of a tasty chicken. DO NOT make the sounds of manbearpig in heat because it will only make things worse.
What is manbearpig?
The single biggest threat to our planet. something out there which threatens our very existence and may be the end to the human race as we know it. i'm talking of course, about... "manbearpig." it is a creature which roams the earth alone. It is half man, half bear, and half pig! some people say that manbearpig isn't real. well, I'm here to tell you now, manbearpig is very real, and he most certainly exists! I'm cereal... manbearpig doesn't care who you are or what you've done. manbearpig simply wants to get you! i'm super cereal..
Is it true that scientists at Coca-Cola have used DNA found in Canadian tundra to clone a primitive NeanderthalManbearpig which they planned to use to fight the manbearpig and then take over the world?
Some people have scoffed at that very idea. However, I, AlGore, am not fooled by the science fearing oafs who are obviously in the pay of Coca-Cola (which is part of Big Cola). If we note that Coca-Cola is a corporation, and corporations are founded on the goal of making money, and that making money is the result of greed which is bad and therefore evil hence we find that Coca-cola must be capable of such evil and in fact we can presume they are guilty of, at least, using nenderthalmanbearpig to add carbonation to their colored sugar water. (P.S. have you ever noticed that Coca-Cola sells both Coca-Cola and Coke when they are in fact almost completely the same beverages! Those darn greedy bast herds (I have to spell it that way or Tipper will filter it))
Is it true that Rosie O'Donnell is actually manbearpig?
No. This has been investigated thoroughly and I, AlGore, came to the conclusion that she is neither man, nor bear, not pig. She is half woman, half shrill harpy and one half cranky molecular physics expert who knows that fire can not melt steel. She should know. In my research I discovered that her grandfather spent his early years working in a spoon mine where fully formed spoons were pulled out of ground, dusted off and then taken to stores. The environmental impact of spoon mining is almost as big of a disaster as manbearpig. But, manbearpig is way worse.
When you talk about technology you sometimes sound like the unabomber. Not a question, just an observation.
The differences are obvious to anyone. I do not wear hoodies.
What is your favorite kind of cereal?
My favorite kind of cereal is the kind of cereal subjects that effect the world and also effect people's lives. The constant threat of worldwide catastrophe by manbearpig is exactly the sort of issue I am super-cereal about.