Honest Al's Discount Carbon Offset Superstore

Buy Carbon Offset Credits!

Your buying carbon offfset credits permit Al to live in the manner he has grown accustomed and still hunt the manbearpig.

Carbon offset credits for any budget!

Think you don't have enough money to buy Honest Al's Carbon Offset Credits? Think again!

$50 - Honest Al not open a six-pack of 7-Up and let it go flat thereby releasing who knows how much CO2 which would otherwise be safely sequestered.
$25 - Honest Al will tell other people how to live their lives.
$10 - Big Al will hold his breath for as long as he can without turning purple or fainting
$5 - Honest Al will bag his poo and sequester it.

Why buy carbon offset credits?

Otherwise you are evil. Pure evil. Every single time you exhale you emit carbon.

There is proof that carbon emissions are linked to increased manbearpig. 2000 years ago there was the the one half man and the one half bull. Today, there is manbearpig. Things are getting way worse! Only a fool would question the sciencey-ness of this proof.

How do carbon offset credits work?

By your purchasing carbon offset credits you pay Honest Al not to do things. For example, Honest Al wants to talk to the dictator of Burma about using his paramilitary deathsquads to keep an eye out for manbearpig as they make their rounds.

For $10,000 Honest Al will NOT have a rail bridge built from Tennessee to Burma to carry a coal burning locomotive.
For another $10,000 Honest Al will not make the trip on a coal powered airplane.
For another $10,000 Honest Al will not take the scenic route circumnavigating the globe while setting fire to rainforests. (you don't hate rainforests do you? You don't hate the cute animals living in rainforests do you? Well, do you?)
For another $10,000 Honest Al will have his butt superglued shut to prevent methane leaks. (although Honest Al reserves the right to purchase carbon credits from himself in order to offset any methane leaks and make the superglue unnecessary)
For another $10,000 Honest Al will stay home and send a form letter via the mail.

manbearpig warning

Warning! If this light is blinking then manbearpig may be near. If the manbearpig warning sensor is not blinking then manbearpig may have disabled it and you are in the greatest peril. Ever! Serial.

Have you seen the manbearpig?

If seen do not approach! Call AlGore at once! AlGore will personally rush to the scene, investigate, and save your life and the lives of your pets from the manbearpig and then AlGore will be hero of the worlds.

Things you need to know

mouth breathing is a proven technique to prevent manbearpig attacks. The sound of mouth breathing can confuse the manbearpig's radar-like echolocation system. Serial. Has manbearpig ever attacked Ben Affleck? No! Case closed.